If I weren’t so Conceited, I’d be Perfect

Botero: La Toilette

The last few days I have found myself to be incredibly lucid. I simply cannot stop thinking. My mind is constantly in overdrive. There is no way for me to turn it off. And when I am this lucid, I just can’t stop working the cognitive process that creates these endless internal digressions. Here is my story:

During these last few days at work, I finish everything that crosses my desk in light speed and am ready for the next thing. When I take a break to talk to my co-workers, I have trouble following their conversations. The minute they start talking, my mind rushes off onto completely distant thoughts. Sometimes I am drafting a clause for a contract or a press release, pondering some absurd linguistic question about a language I do not speak, writing an article that will never be published, or preparing a conversation I have yet to have. I am also prone to speaking incessantly and to uncalled-for positivity.

One night at a party a few months ago when I had undergone a similar episode of lucidity, I decided to share this problem with a woman standing next to me. She responded for the next two or three minutes. When I finally noticed a hault in her speaking, I intervened, “Very interesting.”

“Do you think so?” She replied.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean what you were talking about. I meant what I was thinking about while you were speaking was really interesting.” I apologized.

Now if this was just about me ignoring those around me, I wouldn’t be so worried. I actually find my thoughts rather fascinating, regardless of everyone else’s distractive rambling. But, the real inconvenience is that I am simply not getting enough sleep. Normally, the only way I can fall asleep is by allotting myself at least two hours at home for reading. I disconnect by delving into someone else’s story (I do this alone so no one can see me “caring”). I suppose that while I sleep the story must sink in over night, and the next day I am filled with new information to digress about. The last couple of nights, though, I haven’t let the thought process slow down and haven’t had time to read.

Thus when it is finally time to get into bed, I lie awake for another few hours. Because my mind won’t shut down, I spend these hours in heated debates, arguing politics with myself or some other perceived injustice being suffered by someone I know.

No, I am not in love. I have just substantially increased the intensity of my output at work. This has involved non-stop writing in collaboration with our Marketing Department, and much of the output is rather good. Unfortunatley, the end result is that I have less time to engage in the inordinate amount of time just contemplating myself that allows me to be sociable. Without that I am no one.

You know, I really should be reading right now.


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